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Post by LORELAI GRACE ANDREWS on Jun 21, 2011 13:12:51 GMT -5
Lorelai couldn’t remember the last time she was hung over. And truthfully, that was because she had never been hung over before. She hadn’t had a whole lot, but the splitting headache was still quite a slap in the face as the too-bright sun aroused her from her slumber. She opened her eyes, and at first she didn’t notice the oddness of the situation. But as she adjusted more and more to the brightness, things began to click into place. This was not her bus. That wasn’t all that unusual- it wouldn’t have been the first time she’d fallen asleep somewhere else after a night of cuddle fun. But it occurred to her, then, that she had no clothes on and she was certainly not alone in the bed. Pardon her French, but…
Oh shit.
Slowly, she turned to look behind her, noticing Greg- just as clothes less as she and still fast asleep- and her heart began to race. Oh no. The memories came rushing back to her like a flood and she found herself scrambling out of bed, pulling on her undergarments and her dress just as quickly as they had probably come off. How could she do such a thing? But no, it was disrespectful to just… Leave, wasn’t it? She didn’t know. She had never been in this situation before. Every time she’d had intercourse with Elliot, it had been so simple and beautiful. They never wanted to leave the bed after and it was just so… So sweet and gentle. Full of love.
Oh God… Ellie.
Lorelai had to breathe deeply to try and calm herself down, although it was hardly working. Someone had already been up and made coffee (oh God… had they seen her?) so as a last resort, she fixed a cup of it and grabbed a piece of paper, writing “I’m sorry” on it. He probably hated her now. Or would, when he woke up. She wouldn’t blame him. She didn’t know why he’d hate her- she couldn’t even think of a reason but her head was so clouded and throbbing and all she could think of was how much she screwed everything up. She just… Deserved to be hated. She didn’t know how else to handle things.
After setting the two items on the table by his bunk, Lore quietly stepped outside, the morning atmosphere heightening her sense of awareness. She moved quickly, but paused next to the fence behind Wordsmith Legacy’s bus. Normally, she’d fight it off until she could get somewhere not outside. But she wasn’t thinking straight and she just felt so bad, so she let go, her stomach churning out whatever she’d eaten last onto the pavement. Whether it was the hangover or the guilt was anybody’s guess. She made the rest of the journey back to her bus and stumbled on, thankful to see that everyone was either sleeping or gone. She grabbed a change of clothes, showered, threw up two more times, showered again, and finally emerged an hour later.
Lorelai didn’t know what to do, but she did know that whatever she needed to do, she couldn’t do it at the actual tour site. No. Not where people could find her. Talk to her. She needed time to clear her head and talk herself down (although that was bound to end up bad, because God knows she hasn’t said anything to make herself feel better in years). Attic Ghosts didn’t have another set for four days so she had time. Whether it would take that long, she wasn’t sure, but it gave her ample time nevertheless.
She decided not to say anything to anyone in the band because all of them knew her well and she didn’t want to chance anyone going out to look for her. But she had to let someone know, and she began to go through her mental list of friends as she grabbed a wad of cash she’d pulled out of the bank a few days ago, stuffing it into her bag along with a change of clothes and her cell phone charger (although she probably wouldn’t even have her cell phone on- just with her, in case of an absolute emergency). She grabbed Elliot’s hooded sweatshirt, which she tended to sleep with most nights, and pulled it on over her head for safe keeping.
By the time she exited the bus, she’d narrowed down her list of possible people to call to three people. Arcadia. Crimson. Evie. She waited until she was outside of the fenced in tour site, seated on a bench, before considering each of the three candidates. Arcadia and Crimson were sweet, but they also had a lot of drama surrounding them and the last thing Lore wanted to do was put another thing on their minds. Evie, well. She didn’t think Evie would tell people, and if, on the off chance someone started going around wondering where she was at, she didn’t want Milo to worry. So with a sigh, fighting off tears, she dialed Evie’s number and waited. Thankfully, she scored voicemail.
It was past midday before she finally got off of the bus. She had no fucking clue where she was, but that was what Lorelai wanted- she needed to lose herself in every way, shape, and form. She needed to sit down and focus on the situation at hand rather than her location or her physical well being, because she’d been selfish enough in the past twelve hours. It was time to let the guilt set in.
She had made a promise to Elliot that no matter what, she would wait for him. Most would say she was let go from that responsibility the minute he died, but she had made a conscious effort to stay true. Just because he wasn’t alive didn’t mean she would never see him again. She wasn’t sure what happened after death- she didn’t like to stick to any beliefs because she didn’t like to believe anything that wasn’t true in order to keep from offending people. It was much like her view on rumors, although she’d never compare such to religion. Nevertheless, what if he was waiting for her? On countless occasions she had contemplated taking her own life in order to join him. Never would she dare follow through on anything, but those nights when she was so blinded by her emotions, she couldn’t help but wonder. But morning would shed new light and she’d know that Elliot would have never asked her to do that.
Still, what if he was waiting for her? What if she had just let him down? She didn’t want to think it.
It had been an easy promise to keep for such a long time. Never had anyone expressed an interest in her. She had friends galore, sure. Some of which she probably got a little too affectionate with- enough that alive Ellie would have gotten jealous- but it was all so platonic. It had never mattered before. And in all actuality, Lorelai was pretty certain that Greg had only done it because he was drunk- much like herself. She thought that had made it worse. Maybe Ellie would have been able to forgive her had there been true feelings between them. But it had been a “drunken one night stand”, one that Lore had never thought she’d encounter. She was a relationship woman. And the one time she drank… Everything went down the drain. Everything. She had broken her promise to a wonderful friend, but a man merely out for the sexual intercourse.
And what continued to be the icing on the cake was the fact that Lorelai, although drunk enough for cloudy judgment, had enough recollection of the event to know that she had actually wanted it. As much as she was ‘waiting’ for Ellie, a large part of her was tired of being the friend. It was a huge contradiction but it was starting to wear on her mental health. She needed people to make her happy and while she adored each and every one of her friends, sometimes, it got to be… Too much. She was a shoulder to cry on. Someone to hug. A friendly face full of optimism for the health of everyone else. She was perfectly aware of her role in everyone’s life, and even more aware of the fact that she was utterly disposable. She knew that voicing this would only create conflict, which she had somehow been able to avoid at all costs. But hell. She was never the top. Never that single person someone needed to survive. Not anymore. She craved to be the one someone thought about. The one someone thought about at night. The one someone wanted. To be number one. Just once. She hadn’t had that since Elliot and she wasn’t sure she deserved it, but it would… It would be nice.
Although in hindsight, it was stupid, Greg had given her the opportunity to feel that for a few hours. She had been the one he was aroused to. It was her name on his lips. His arms wrapped around her in something more than just a friendly embrace. He’d started it. He’d wanted it.
But she’d woken up to the realization that it had merely been the alcohol talking and it was like a hard slap in the face. And of course, that only mixed with more guilt because, fuck, she wasn’t supposed to want something like that. Not with Elliot around. And she was back to square one. The same sorry sap that she’d been twenty four hours ago, only now with a huge mistake tucked under her belt. The friend who was great at handling everyone else’s problems, but rubbish when it came to dealing with her own.
No matter how much Lorelai pretended that hugs could solve every problem and everything in the world had the power to shoot rainbows out of their ass, she wasn’t as innocent as everyone thought her to be. She just didn’t know how else she could cope with her life.
She had been walking for a good half an hour before she found a grassy hill a good ways away from the main road, and she set her bag down, settling next to it. For the first time since it happened, Lorelai allowed herself the luxury of crying.
ooc. long post. stand alone, although if someone felt so inclined to hop in, i wouldn't be opposed. lore will be back whether someone finds her or not.
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